fell forward

hi brigid.

2010-08-10T05:21:00.001-07:00

hi.

Hey, you should probably do something constructive.

2010-06-12T06:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you're totally right. But I'm going to do the exact opposite instead.

stuff that happened over the past 24 hours

2010-06-09T04:33:00.000-07:00

got a HD for my research proposal, giving me a HD average for my research methods class, putting me in a good position to do a PhD if I want to (I don't).

got feedback for said proposal describing my writing style as "amazing" and "seductive".

applied for a position as a writer for Australian Gamer (again), writing two pieces for it that I really like and believe will get me closer to my goal as a game writer regardless of the outcome with AG.

came to the realisation that I'm awesome when I want to be.

Scarf weather?

2010-04-11T20:29:00.001-07:00

SCARF WEATHER.

An excerpt from something I'm writing.

2010-02-08T21:50:00.001-08:00

The television was entrancing even though the channels changed to often to really dominate a mind. There was a certain element of art to the revolving pictures, a collage of all that is common and that aimed to please that could only really be seen if you didn't pay attention. But maybe that was just idealism talking. Right wing news, left wing news, bastketball, football, a soap opera and a sitcom walk into a bar...

There's no real story in that but dreamers exist to dream and instil the possibility in others.

The person behind the remote went back and settled on the sitcom. It was your basic American one. There was a man being mindless and a wife trying to deal with that while a daughter tried to get boys to stare at her breasts to maintain the male audience. A well-trained studio audience would let us know when we were supposed to be entertained. There's no art here. There's no art anywhere if you stop moving.

On values.

2010-01-06T02:57:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the whole "body as a commodity" issue. More specifically, why it's an issue. The same people that see it as a problem generally tout the taking of the brains that you were born with, developing it and using your intelligence to the achieve the best you can with it. Don't get me wrong, it's certainly a noble cause. But why is it so different with the body?

The division is largely imagined. One, that being the brain, has an illusion of complexity and honour. It takes reading and discipline and spark - or the ability to act. The other, our body, is easy. It takes spreading your legs or thrusting. It doesn't take hours or days or months to shape or mold. It is easy to learn how to accentuate one's natural gifts. The body is easy.

We have been taught, perhaps, to view the best things in life as heinous or degrading or not worthwhile. And there is nothing better than carnal pleasure.

The body and the mind are on equal platform; one is not more respectful or better than the other - so long as the path you take is one that makes you happy. Pretending to be devoted to either is pathetic. Read what you want and touch where you feel. It's hardly important so long as you have a smile on your face while you're doing it.

I would make comics but they would be too similar to 'Pictures for Sad Children'

2010-01-05T02:45:00.000-08:00

My coffee is on the table behind me.

'Behind me' is the worst place for coffee to be.

Oh Mark Tredinnick how you make me smile

2009-12-28T00:53:00.000-08:00

The same would hold true for any artist, I would imagine.

To live as much in other lives and time zones as one's own, to feel humble and to inhabit stories -- that is the writer's fate. This, and poverty, and the agony of how to make the next decent sentence.

-- Mark Tredinnick, The Little Red Writing Book

Content

2009-12-26T01:24:00.001-08:00

Validation.

Bored, sober and relying on points of view to keep me amused.

2009-12-26T01:19:00.000-08:00

The content is just an excuse for the title - just read that.

Life's more interesting when you judge a book by its cover.

The world you can imagine is always more fun

Then the one people insist on investigating.

This post doesn't matter and it's cool with that because it's a nihilist.

2009-12-26T01:16:00.000-08:00

I don't care what you do say or think. You might be self-aware or you might not be. You might be better off because of it or you might not be. You may not care about global warming and that's fine. You may not have an opinion on Copenhagen and, like me, you rely on guessing the spelling and hoping for the best. That doesn't change my view on your life. People may say that you're defined by what you do, not what you think but they're liars. You're defined by the fact that you exist and that definition is rather basic. You exist. Whatever. Congratulations. Every action from here on in is on an equal platform with all the ones you didn't do.

There is no fundamental truth.
Ethics and morality are inventions.

Somebody invented right and wrong just like someone invented hedonism and someone else invented prudishness.
Why let some self righteous prick decide what your standards are when you can quite easily be just as self-righteous and live by a code of your choosing?

Monogamy? Why bother? There's a whole world out there and it's more fun when you're naked.

Fuck whoever and fuck whatever.
Just don't learn their name afterwards.

Be narcissistic; nobody else is going to be it for you.

Everybody's boring. You may as well amuse yourself while you're at it.

Holy shit a photograph everyone look everyone look a photograph wow this is something worth posting about a photograph wow

2009-12-13T03:40:00.000-08:00

Fucking crazy. A shitty picture I took with a good phone with a mediocre camera and then decided to put onto my blog out of sheer boredom. Fuck-king cray-zee.

This post is about a band called Dungen. It was inspired by a mindless need to talk about things and imply that "I'm right about something". Awesome.

2009-12-13T03:05:00.000-08:00

Dungen are a band. They're a very good band. They're a very good band from Sweden. They're a very good band who's location is important to mention because they sing in Swedish.

Dungen are a band who play psychedelic rock but they're are other influences in there as well. Dungen are a band you should just listen to and explore.

Dungen are a band that you should listen to. You should acquire Ta Det Lugnt by some means and then smile and say 'yay' and then 'oooh amazing'. Then high five yourself because you're a good person.

Dungen are a band who are so good that disliking them makes you a bad person.

I suppose words would be appropriate at some point, so this just might be you getting ahead of the game?

2009-12-08T20:04:00.001-08:00

The next twelves months

Are just a hole.

I had a plan

But it wasn't mine.

I didn't build it for myself.

Some people have direction, and that's pretty okay. Go them. Go you if you're one of them. But me? Man, I don't know. I don't feel like studying anymore. I haven't felt like studying since I was in grade two. I'm interested in too much to bother sitting at a desk I'm not in control of.

I want to work in a bookshop.

I want to try acting.

I want to try film making.

I want to make music.

I want to not know for a while

And I want to do things that are just for me.

For a change.

I'm twenty-one.

Fuck being whole.

Colours, ponderings and faux-depth? Man, you've got it all.

2009-10-01T04:33:00.000-07:00

people always say you see in black & white

or various shades of gray

i just want to see some purple

Current tattoo possibilities:

2009-08-27T03:43:00.000-07:00

http://madbird-valiant.deviantart.com/art/Cat-Tattoo-60579332?offset=75#comments

(Without the watermark, obviously... >_>)

http://media.photobucket.com/image/cheshire%20cat%20tattoo/hackbandit99/Cheshire_Cat_Tattoo_2_by_CatONineTa.jpg

Definitely going to get the later at some point. Knocking about a Decepticon logo as well, even though they're so common. Because, man...

YOU GOT THE TOUCH
YOU GOT THE POWAAAAAAAH

YEAH!

edit:
Also this-
"she asked for a poem
so I laid out my soul
and to this very day
I'll never know why she cried"

edit edit:
Something along these lines:
http://cdn.overstock.com/images/products/bnt/FC0836217691.JPG

With a different picture of Calvin. Possibly down my forearm.

This is pretty shit but I'm bored.

2009-08-23T04:23:00.000-07:00

Enjoying the sensation, I rolled over in the grass to put my back to the stars. To my left I heard the rustling of your shaking head.

"You're rather rude."

Your voice was husky, the result of too many cigarettes smoked and too many drinks drunk. Cupping my hands underneath my chin, I offered you the slightest of shrugs.

"How can you turn your back to everything like that?"

You arched your back to get comfortable and tug your damp shirt away from your body. I knew that if there had have been any light I would have seen your tanned skin through the thin white material. I couldn't help but close my eyes for the momentary imagining.

"One day they wont be around anymore and you'll hate yourself for not paying attention."

There was the sound of you scratching your chin and then your hand running through your hair. When I opened my eyes again your elbow was at the edge of my field of vision.

"Not everything has to disappear forever. Sure, things may leave, but as long as you look at them occasionally, you'll always have some part of them. Mortality is no reason to ignore the mortal world, and the apparent eternity of dreams doesn't make that a place to live your life in."

I heard you sigh and sit up. You were quiet and I would've thought you had vanished if it wasn't for the sound of your rustling the grass from in between your fingers and hair.

"I hope you realise that one day, because I can't join you in there. No one can."

You rubbed my shoulder and stood. I listened to the soft slush of your feet in the grass. Some time later I rolled over and looked up to the stars. I counted them, counting the bright ones twice. At twenty, the moon emerged from behind a cloud providing me with the faintest piece of pale light. Looking around, I found your silhouette sitting on a small park bench. I watched the back of your head for a moment, waiting to see if you turned. You didn't. I didn't stand and I didn't join you. All I did was count twenty-two.

The last two paragraphs of my life. How are your two paragraphs going?

2009-07-28T00:03:00.001-07:00

Sunday mornings where always slow. Trip out of the bedroom, just a soft step, and a yawned smile. Somewhere, behind the kitchen probably, The Doors played. Early rising neighbours fading into their 40's. Great people to have around, always able to give some advice or a cup of sugar, and their records lasted forever. You were never alone when you had Jim, Mr. Mojo Rising.

My boy was in his boxers and a shirt from the night before. He was Jim too, at least that's what I called him. He wasn't used to the noise nextdoor, wasn't used to Sundays. I told him that the neighbours probably aren't used to us and I say that with a smile. He just shrugs and throws down his toast, plain but not dry. I tell him to wipe the crumbs and saliva from his bottom lip. There's no h in wipe he says as he complies. Never noticed that I say it like before. These are the kinds of things you learn on a Sunday.

It's just a hunch, an assumption, but I feel completely validated by it.

2009-07-10T07:03:00.000-07:00

I am WAY hotter than that guy you're dating.

I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can

2009-07-09T05:34:00.000-07:00

Do I think I'm getting somewhere? A little.

Do I think what I'm doing is any good? Not really.

The important thing is that words are being written and a story is being told.

I feel good about that.

It makes me smile.

There's something quite thrilling about stringing words together for the eyes of the masses

2009-06-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

I've started work on a zine. It doesn't have a title but it has a boyish smile and a naive charm. Just letting you know because it may lead to a nervous breakdown and a complete loss of self-belief. This way you'll know why I was found standing on the edge of a bridge, looking down to the water below and muttering things like "Friviolous content" and "Self-indulgant bullshit". And that's important information to have.

Update on my life because you all want to know about the random occurances that I choose to type in here

2009-06-07T05:18:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be studying, but instead I'm practising writing with my left hand. I'm going to be ambidextrous because I say so.

You make me see that there's a reason to get out of bed in the morning

2009-06-01T02:47:00.001-07:00

I just wish you were my reason to stay in it as well.

On every dark day, you're there to remind me that hope is more than just a four letter word.

2009-06-01T02:43:00.000-07:00

There's tomorrow on your breath.

I tried writing something sweet and happy. I'm not a fan of it.

2009-05-31T07:53:00.001-07:00

I wrote you this song, you know.

Paper crumpled up on the floor.

It had sweet words that doubled as nothings

And it told you how you compared to the sun and the moon

Because your personality is cold and chilled and dark

And burned everyone you've ever known.

Basically, you're a bitch.

I'm sorry.

(That it took a song for me to tell you)

I wrote you this song, you know.

Paper crumpled up on the floor.

It had sweet words that doubled as nothings

And it told you how you compared to the sun and the moon

Because your disposition can be summed up by heavily bodies

That we have assigned rudimentary labels related to romance

To make our own lives easier when discussing love

In an effort to possibly remove us from blame

“Hey, don't blame me because we broke up. The moon wasn't full

When I said that I loved you like the stars”

Or make ourselves appear deep

When we're really not.

“Your hips are like the sun

So hot that they make my dick melt”

But yeah, it's just down there

I hope you like it

I wrote you this song, you know.

Paper crumpled up on the floor.

It had sweet words that doubled as nothings

And it told you how you compared to the sun and the moon.

I scribbled out a lot of words

Mainly big ones

They're cumbersome

You're small and sweet and petite

And nothing nice rhymes with hypothalamus...

I'd never tried writing a song

It didn't come naturally

Not like loving you

I don't need any lead; There's nothing I need to do

I listened to a lot of bands

Ones I knew you liked

But none of them had any words...

So I thought about writing you a drum solo instead

I tipped over my bin

And that apple core you left feel out

Apples reminded me of you

So small and sweet and petite

I tried to figure out what rhymes with Granny Smith

I'd never tried writing a song

It didn't come naturally

Not like loving you

I don't need any ink; There's nothing I need to do

As it turns out

I can't write songs

I'm really bad at it

I have no form or structure

I can only hold your hand

And walk with you on sunny days

And hum your favourite songs

On cue.

I'll always be there to hum them for you.

---

See what I mean? I totally just gave you all diabetes.

This link is the rabbithole to the Wonderland I am creating

2009-05-22T05:21:00.000-07:00

Just call me the Prince of Hearts.

Doing the electric boogaloo to an audience of one

2009-04-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

It was an emergency. People where screaming and crying.

And you're trying to tell me

That breakdancing wasn't the right response?

Some random shit I'm trying not to forget

2009-03-03T02:13:00.000-08:00

I'm buying all the lies to sell back to you.

Folding paper demons.

Planning my fall by the rising tides.

I can't paint a picture or photograph a moment, but if you loved me, these are the words I'd write for you

2009-02-11T03:17:00.001-08:00

You told me once, as the sun was setting, that you wished that day could have lasted forever. I told you that I agreed. But, what I didn't tell you, was that everytime I look into your eyes, I see that afternoon. The sun, the grass, the lake and the wine; Everything that made us so happy on that one day. Inside your eyes lies my truest moment. Inside your eyes lies perfection.

But I don't tell you that. I just quietly hope that you see the same in

mine.

I jotted this down on the train, now it's here so I don't forget it

2009-02-11T03:14:00.000-08:00

Filtered through the leaves, the light created pillars. It was if nature was building a palace just for us, so we could stay in this moment forever.

With a knick-knack-paddy-whack...

2009-02-09T03:08:00.000-08:00

I skipped through the fires to see what I had become.

Well fuck

2009-01-23T03:59:00.001-08:00

That last ones more emo than I intended.

In that it wasn't supposed to sound emo at all.

It's cold in here now

2009-01-23T03:54:00.001-08:00

But with words, you warm the depths of my soul.

I'm so going to mock shit

2008-12-02T00:56:00.000-08:00

I found Jason's flickr.

I will make it art.

mwhahaha.

Keep trying man, you'll get there eventually

2008-11-27T23:16:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning, ready to change the world.

But then I realized...

I can't even change

the way you think of me.

Murder isn't illegal when people are singing badly

2008-11-27T03:44:00.000-08:00

"We the jury, find the defendant not-guilty on two counts of murder," they will begin. "The balcony they fell from was not cut with a saw, their demise was due to poor maintenance and not any sort of foul play."

"Besides, your honour, did you hear them? Bitches be tone deaf. They totally had it coming."

Welcome to the Click Trigger

2008-11-27T03:37:00.000-08:00

Everyday, something happens to make me doubt that you exist.

You're not real. You can't be.

You're not allowed to be.

Because if you are...

Then everything I've ever believed is wrong.

Love is real...

Have some hope, just a little bit of hope! Believe!

2008-11-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sure a smile will grace this page eventually.

It's not like I hate the moon or anything.

2008-11-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

Days stop when they're with you.

Nothing new ever comes.

I enjoy the same,

but...

A flick to the second hand could bring so much more.

We could be more.

I'd push it to save myself, but I'd say it was for you.

2008-11-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

Help me find the button to end all this.

Help me find the button to end the world.

Good question, my boy, good question indeed

2008-10-25T01:25:00.000-07:00

Sins are like men, all created equal.

Why then, do I despise yours most of all?

You'll click on it and you'll like it

2008-10-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

http://legacydialog.blogspot.com/

I did it for my Writing Angles class. It's nifty. Love me.

Another day, another idealogy

2008-10-13T14:57:00.000-07:00

Life is the constant journey to find someone that will remember you in the way that you see yourself.

I just have to keep telling myself...

2008-10-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

the only logical way to live

Everynow and then I get this overwhelming sense that everything is going to be okay. That, no matter what I do, no matter how I fuck up, no matter how many things I break, that my world and this little slice of reality will somehow manage to repair itself. I have no idea how, but it will. It will.

is in a world without logic

That's only sometimes though. Contentment is a sometimes food. But it's all you need, really. That bite-sized snack of a smile is what gets me through the days of fear, anxiety, cynacism, insecurity and paranoia and doubt and every other buzzword that breeds little dark clouds.

Just a few moments, just a few.

in a world filled with dreams

A few to remind you that yes, love does exist. And that any love lost can easily be found again.

To remind you that not all people are assholes. Sure, some are, but that's okay. Because you don't have to talk to them.

That creativity and beauty are real. And that they're everywhere you look.

A few moments that tell you that you're fine. A few to remind you that it's okay to be happy and not know why. And that what you're doing isn't a bad thing.

A second to let you know that sitting on the grass is as awesome as you think it is, and that no, this sunshine wont give you cancer.

in a world filled with hope

Sure, something bad may run the world and the evil may inherit it.

But fuck them. This grass is yours.

the only logical way to live is in a world you make for yourself

Sometimes I just don't sleep

2008-10-03T11:46:00.000-07:00

I need a sunrise. That is my mission for today. Watch those clouds flow red and yellow and orange. Navy skies give way to azure. See it all. The new day born before my eyes. That is what I want to see. These walls wont stop me. Those blankets wont get in the way.

Red and blue lights flashing on the wall

2008-10-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Disco or murder? You decide.

See, because the blog description is a reference to a debate from tonight?

2008-10-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes checking grammar leads to strange coincidences.

from http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/than.html

When comparing one thing with another you may find that one is more appealing “than” another. “Than” is the word you want when doing comparisons. But if you are talking about time, choose “then“: “First you separate the eggs; then you beat the whites.” Alexis is smarter than I, not “then I."

If you were there, then you'd know why it's weird. I guess.

Look. If blogs aren't here for incredibly obscure references that only two people out of a possible audience of two million will get, then what are they here for?

From "Watching the World Apart", a collection of short stories I'm supposed to be co-authoring

2008-10-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

Silver Lining

They stood atop the cliff, watching the city below, its quiet lights of life flickering against the night sky. There were no stars, there hadn't been for as long as they could remember. Stars had become a story to them, nostalgic whispers to romanticize.

He looked to the black above them. He could spend hours just watching the nothingness. It was pure, unchanged. Familiar. The days were gray now, nothing but. A slither of sunshine might make it through occasionally to dampening the grip of the gray, but those days were few and far between. The night sky though, that was the eternal brother. Something to count on.

She coughed, a trace of blood tainting her chin. He rubbed her back.

“We should head back inside.”

“No,” she said. “Can we watch for a bit longer? I'd always wanted a white Christmas.”

He took her hand.

“Ok. We can stay.”

Resting her head on his shoulders, she squeezed his hand, and watched the ash slowly fall from the sky.

I go to emo clubs

2008-10-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

All I ever do is play 'Guess the gender'.

Made public again

2008-10-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

Because Alexis told me to.

I write my love on stones

2008-09-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

So I can always throw them away.

And no that is not a cry for help or anything like that.

2008-08-26T03:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah. What he said.

I don't know why, it just looks like it would be fun.

2008-08-26T03:50:00.001-07:00

I want to be a ghost.

Winter's almost over, please don't waste another second of it.

2008-08-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

I love the city when it's raining.
It's just so beautiful.
I don't understand why people can't see the romance.

Is it weird that where others see dark, bleak and perhaps uncompromising, I see love?
What does that say about my perceptions?

It's just...

Who cares that your fingers are cold?
You just have to find someone to hold your hand.

I tried to follow, but your tears blocked my path. Stunned and frightened, I found my place.

2008-08-20T07:54:00.000-07:00

Sand trickled through his fingers as he counted their moments together, as few as they were. Behind him, the sun was slowly setting, the flowing colors of red and yellow fading away to the soft gray of twilight. Far to his left, people danced and sat around a small fire, mere specs of black and red in the sky.

He watched the waves break before him, slipping into a trance, a place where the water's sounds became a song for only him. His finger traced the rhythm into the sand. A portrait of his past soon emerged.

He thought of her as the sun pasted behind the horizon at last, and within moments its light was lost. Only the warmth it created remained to brush against his body.

Looking out into the yawning ocean, a subtle smile emerged on his face.

"I promise to love you from afar," he whispered. "As long as you promise to live in my heart forever."

Hey, you know you could just tell her. No? Ok then, lets let the font do the talking.

2008-08-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

I see the world differently now that you've all been blurred. As the world skips and jumps, different lights play. And as I look down, you are there. So close. And somehow so far. I can only touch you when I don't mean it. You're in another world, and I'm stuck in mine. I look down and you're surrounded by stars.

So beautiful.

Even when I watch you leave, even when I have no idea how to stop you. You're beautiful.

So fucking beautiful.

Could you even try to sound sincere? Jesus man.

2008-08-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

I love you.

I have faith in you, you can make your magic real. If only you would try.

2008-08-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight, the world will end. You will close your eyes and that will be that. From reality to eternity in an instant. You will take your mind and you will mould that canvas, that intimidating abyss of a canvas, into whatever your heart desires. You may create an infernal city, you may create the most lush of meadows. You may create a beatiful civilization. You may create an embrace with the one you love.

You will build your world, and it will be yours. Yours alone. A place where you can never be hurt. That place may scare you sometimes, but it will be yours. It will be important, it will be glorious.

For a time, you will be God. With the infinite at your fingertips.

Then, with a flash, you will open your eyes. You may remember, you may not.

You will brush it off as irrelevant.

You will get on with your day.

You will ignore.

You will, in time, forget.

And then, the world will end.

Returned to the Disposable Hero

2008-08-14T05:40:00.000-07:00

I can’t save you, but I can watch your destruction with a grimace. I can look back on our times together with fondness of memory and with love. I can think of you in a day, in a week, in a month and I can be happy to have known you and I can cry because I miss you. I can long day after day for your touch and to look into your eyes and to talk to once again. I can sit in the sun on a perfect day and wish you were here beside me to experience it.

I can carry you in my heart and mind forever, but no, I can't save you.

I'm sorry.

Man, my titles are far too long.

2008-08-14T05:19:00.000-07:00

Just sayin'.

Done a while ago, just a single stream of thought. Intent to do more was there, but never really existed.

2008-08-14T05:15:00.000-07:00

So i just opened this page, but it still feels like it has been here forever. Maybe that is indicative of my future troubles. Maybe that is i just forgot where i was going to go with that thought. I really liked it too, when it first came to mind. Maybe i am typing too slowly. That speaks to me on several levels. I wait too long to go through with things i like or want. Like girls. Maybe that is what the thought i forgot was. It seems familiar. Or maybe i just think it a lot. I get told it a lot, mainly by my mum. If i hear it a lot you would think i would take it to heart eventually but no. i still just sit around awkwardly. People ask me weird questions without explaining the context and they expect me to know what they are talking about. Most of the time, i do. I still ask them to explain though, because it... i do not know why. Although i am wrong sometimes. Not very often though. Which is weird i think.

Convenient. Why can't i ever spell that properly? Clicking into word from msn to find out how to spell convenient seems weird and wrong. Perhaps ironic. People always use the word ironic in the wrong context, so much so that it seems like the word does not have a real meaning anymore and can be used anywhere. I may start using it instead of 'blink', just because I can, although it is kind of silly. I realized today that my internal monologue has several different voices. Not major differences, but more then just a change of tone. More of a style of talking. This concerns me slightly, maybe i have multiple personalities. Well, maybe not personalities. Maybe just distinctions of voice. Who knows.

It's true. She would have to be an evil genius maybe.

2008-08-14T03:54:00.000-07:00

If I have to destroy the world, I want it to be because I love you.